In-Laws & Ronalds
7/25/06

I guess there is officially no turning back now. Buying the ring… actually proposing… these were all perfectly “back-out-able” agreements. This weekend involved paperwork. I signed my life away to the American Club. (The politically incorrect, yet oddly popular hosting locale for Focker-palooza 2K07.) Dina Byrnes and I were required to provide our John Hancocks at the end of what looked like the abridged version of "War and Peace." Surprisingly enough, Kristen’s autograph was not required. Some might call this foreshadowing; that since I am the man and the man wears the pants in a marriage, all decision-making authority will lie solely in my hands. Others think that those who believe the foreshadowing theory are a few bricks short of a load.

I was back in the great state of Wisconsin this weekend to help my future brother-in-law and his wife move into their first house.

(Sidebar #78219: If I marry into a family, it is common sense that my spouse’s immediate brothers and sisters become my in-laws. Yet, what of my spouse’s in-laws? Does my wife’s sister-in-law become my sister-in-law-in-law? Or does it follow one of those seemingly indefinable “once removed” patterns? I’ve been told I have cousins who are “once removed” yet I’ve never actually been able to figure out where they were removed from, or more importantly, where they have been relocated to. Since no term seems to exist for these undeniably important individuals, I have coined the term “ronald”. (As in “relative of no legal documentation” R.O.N.L.D.) To be used in a sentence… “This past weekend I helped my future brother-in-law, and my future ronald, move into their first house.”)

My future bro-in-law, Noah and his wife (who believe it or not, has no actual name in the bible except for “Noah’s wife”, but she needs a name on this blog so we will call her “Joan of Ark”… note the clever pun, not the glaring miss-spelling) recently purchased a beautiful home in Wauwautosa, WI. Wauwautosa, which means “city with good mall” in the Native Cherokee tongue, is a west suburb of Milwaukee. After personally moving all of their possessions, I can safely say that Noah and Joan have 2 of everything. This is not limited to his and her towels. It includes his & her microwaves… his & her couches… and even… his & her food processors. (For those of you keeping score at home, that’s 2 food processors too many.) But on behalf of the Fockers, because, like Noah and Joan, I have to start thinking in twos, I wish them all the best with their new home.

Despite signed contracts, nothing says “you’re committed” like helping a soon-to-be in-law (or ronald) move. Moving is the worst favor, anyone could possibly ask of you. Most people, when they hear someone is moving, immediately ask when the move-in date is, so their brain can start generating any plausible excuse for being busy that day. But if you are committed, like myself, that cognitive functionality is suppressed and you find yourself in the back of rental truck quicker than you can say “Wauwautosa”.

I don’t hold a grudge toward anyone I help move, though, because I know that it is only a matter of time before I ask them all to return the favor. Judging by my tallying system, I have officially helped 89,000 people move over the course of my lifetime, and figure even if I only obtain a 5% capture rate from that field, that still leaves me with a work force of over 4,400 strong. Which will be plenty to help us move our his & her 82” HDTVs.

Uncle Jared
7/13/2007

As if engagement cards weren’t enough of a pleasant surprise, I’ve (or I guess technically I should get used to saying “we’ve”) been blessed enough to be on the receiving end of a few engagement gifts. That’s right, people are actually buying us presents, which to me say one of two things.

A) Congratulations and best of luck in your future together!
B) Don’t sit me with the D.J. at your wedding!

Despite the intentions, both Kristen and I are incredibly grateful. (and we will do our best when table assignment time comes)

While it is not like me to pick favorites, I have to admit that my favorite engagement presents thus far, are my two “soon to be” nieces, Mary Kate & Ashley. Getting engaged has turned me into an uncle over night. Just like the greats before me (i.e. Sam, Ben, and Cracker) I promise to uphold the title to the best of my ability.

Mary Kate and Ashley just turned 3 and 1 respectively this month, and this past weekend was their birthday party in Endeavor, WI. (I apologize… many of you have probably never heard of Endeavor. It’s a small town about 10 miles northwest of Portage, WI. I apologize again… many of you have probably never heard of Portage. Portage is a slightly bigger town about 40 miles northeast of Madison, WI. I apologize threefold… many of you hate Madison. Me too.)

While I still maintain my amateur uncle status (I plan to go pro in the 2007 draft), I like to think I have already left my mark on little M.K. and A-Rod. M.K., the older of the pair, is practically a little person. Walking and talking, and most importantly, able to recognize a Cubs logo from 50 feet away. Unfortunately, she’s no south paw like her favorite soon-to-be uncle, however, there’s still hope for A-Rod.

The little leaguers are the spawn of Kristen’s sister Wonderwoman, and her husband Bob Villa. For those of you playing along at home, I know what you’re thinking. Those poor little girls… celebrity marriages never last. But with the iron will of Wonderwoman (actually pushed her daughter M.K. in a stroller while running a marathon) and the resourcefulness of Bob Villa (actually built a two car garage out of concrete and still remembers all of the warp zones in Super Mario Brothers 2) I’d say this couple stands a fighting chance.

One day, when the kids are older, I plan to make them the Grand Marshals of MU Tailgate Spectacular; an annual event dating back to my college days, that was also held this past weekend at beautiful Miller Park, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. In its inaugural year, MUTG consisted of 6 people with a case of Busch Light and a bag of Doritos. This year, we tipped the scales at 35 people and a dog named Daisy Mae, who was deemed official tailgate mascot. We also introduced the game that will quickly surpass soccer as the fastest growing sport in the world: Yard Golf. All that is required to play is some PVC piping, a dozen golf balls and about 3 feet of twine. The game is undoubtedly the brainchild of a group of tailgaters, like ourselves, who were bored after finishing their beer and conceived a game out of items they could find in their trunk.

MUTG 2K05 (that’s last year’s tailgaters) attempted this very same feat last year, when we invented a game that required a tennis ball and two lawn chairs. They say the idle mind is the devil’s playground. Well, I guess we’re just supplying the equipment.

Yard Golf is clearly the better game, so MU Tailgaters humbly tip our hats to you. (Note: Kristen and Jared have registered for a Yard Golf set in Burnt Sienna, $49.95 at Crate & Barrel.)

Everyone loves getting presents. (Just ask M.K. and A-Rod who won the jackpot at their birthday party up north.) But perhaps the best presents of all are the memories that they create. We remember when we receive them. We remember who they were from. And we thank them… with a table near the bar.