Standard Engagement Protocol 101
5/31/06

At approximately 7:50am, Central Standard Time, American Airlines Flight 883 touched down at O'hare International Airport (that's right, baby... the grown-up table, turns out they were right... the only way to get promoted from the kids table IS to get married). Having awakened that morning at 4:15am (not to be confused with 4:15 pm, the more common of the 4:15s), the thought of a full day of work, sounded about as appealing as that new KFC Corn/Chicken/Mashed Potato/Gravy/3-Cheese bucket.

--If I may sidebar (which, fair warning, I tend to do)... have you seen the commercials for this grotesque assembly of nourishment? In all fairness, I honestly admit to being "that kid" growing up, who respected the divided dinner plates. And I patrolled the quarter-inch wall that separated my peas from my meatloaf like it was East and West Germany. I condemned the pea that dare hurdle the barrier and fraternize with the enemy meatloaf, usually by drowning him in a sea of ketchup and pretending not to hear his cries for help. That being said, I can't help but feel mocked by Colonel Sanders with this new mass-hysteria-in-a-bucket that he is so shamelessly pushing into the faces of the American people. It is ludicrous, and I will not stand for it. (note: dinner will be served on divided plates on Oct. 13, 2007. Any insubordinate peas will be taken out back and shot)--

Tired as I was, I pushed through the work day with one goal in mind: Go home. Install window A/C unit. Go to bed. I had zero energy & zero brain power left to function. (Ironically enough, the exact two requirements for window A/C installation) Infact I'm pretty sure girl scouts can get patches for it. It's right before making that pine cone & peanut-butter birdfeeder.

So there I was, about to crash on my couch for the evening when my roommate "Murphy" came in with the offer of a lifetime. Catch a Cub game from a rooftop on Sheffield? Sitting on a rooftop for a Cub game has always been on my "things to do before i die" list. It's right up there with "write the next great american novel" and "floss". The rooftops are practically national landmarks. They offer a bird's eye view of the most magical place on earth, Wrigley Field. To a die-hard, skipping an invitation to a rooftop would be like skipping Easter Sunday Mass... at the Vatican. Suddenly re-energized and ready to see the Cubbies extend their longest winning streak this month to two games, I was out the door.

Little did I know, that the rooftop would prove to be my classroom that evening for "Standard Engagement Protocol 101". Murphy's extended friends and family had all shown up that evening on the roof. After a couple of innings of sub-par (yet surprisingly not sub-Cub) baseball, the heavens opened up and we were in the middle of a rain delay. The conversation quickly shifted to what I have affectionately began calling "Kristen & Jared: The Beginning". All it took was Murphy dropping the "engagement" word, and the entire population on the rooftop switched focus. The best words to describe their reaction would be "shock and horror". Not horrified that I was engaged and thusly, officially off the market, as I had originally diagnosed their condition... but horrified that 3 innings of baseball had gone by and I had yet to say anything.

Rule #1 of Engagement Etiquette: Announce your engagement to everyone (including total strangers) before saying anything else.

Rule #2: When telling your "how it happened" story, it is important to include all details, including what you had for breakfast that day, what the chance for precipitation was, and a detailed report of the progress Jack Bauer was making with the last remaing canister of syntox gas.

How rude of me, and so to the extended friends and family of Murphy, I do apologize. Last night I learned the accepted behavior for a man in my new role. I learned that I'm supposed to tell my story with gusto. And perhaps, most importantly, I learned that only a Northsider with a dream, is stupid enough to sit on metal bleachers on a rooftop during a thunderstorm.

P.S. Cubs beat the Reds 8-3. Go Cubbies!