Buckle Up!
6/23/06

I’d like to take this opportunity to personally invite my classmate from Marquette University, Class of 2003, Mr. Dwyane Wade (and guest) to my wedding. Dwyane and I go way back, and unfortunately since he took a job offer in Miami, and I in Chicago, we haven’t been able to see much of each other.

But that’s the great thing about weddings. Friends and family come from all ends of the earth (or in my family’s case… all ends of the galaxy) to share in the joyous occasion. For those friends and family of mine, coming up from Chicago for the big event, congratulations! “Operation I do” is more than just a trip to the chapel and an undoubtedly over-priced meal, generously paid for by Jack and Dina Byrnes. For those arriving from the south, or as they refer to us in Wisconsin, “the Confederacy”, your journey allows your weekend to become an interactive history lesson in the story of Kristen & Jared. The stretches of I-94 and I-43 are the very same miles we have both traveled countless times during our courtship.

(Sidebar #62: I love the word “courtship”. It’s one of those words that sounds like it’s referring to something completely different from what it really is… like “suffrage”. “Courtship” sounds like the place where felons at sea are taken for a trial by jury. Sorry… nerd moment… leave it to a journalism major to sidebar about semantics.)

Back on the land, I urge you to take note of various landmarks along your journey.

1) The Great Pyramids of Waukegan, IL: Just north of Great America, and just shy of your 83rd toll, pay close attention to the eastern horizon. On a clear day you will notice what looks like the great pyramids of Egypt, rising from the trees. This is not a joke. They are actually there. No one knows quite why they are there, including my roommate Murphy, Waukegan born and raised. Personally, I think it’s a great idea, and have decided to open a T-shirt & Temporary Tattoo stand down the street from it, selling the phrase: “Why go all the way to Egypt when you can go to Waukegan and be home in time for dinner?” (Patent pending)

2) University Lawsonomy, Sturtevant, WI: Just inside the Wisconsin state line, you will see a sign for University Lawsonomy. Founded by Alfred William Lawson, this school was created to make Scientology look a bit less creepy. (Blogger Disclaimer: It is not my intention to offend any readers of different religious affiliation, however, born and raised Catholic, the very idea about aliens, evil spirits and reincarnation, just seems a little hard to believe. Catholicism is more factual… except for maybe that whole walking on water part… and the rising from the dead…) But Jew or Gentile, University Lawsonomy will undoubtedly leave you asking one question. Didn’t they forget the “of”?

3) Apple Holler, Sturtevant, WI: Not much to say about this place except best homemade apple pie you will ever taste. Pick one up on the drive home. (Remember it will be October so it will probably be crowded, but it’s well worth the wait.)

4) I-94/I-894 Split: Just before entering the Milwaukee, I-94 will split. When it does, the posted speed limit, will shift from 65 mph to 55 mph. Unless you drive a Buick or frequently wear white drawstring pants on your way to the early bird special at Old Country Buffet, chances are you’ve never driven 55 mph on an interstate. But if your plates say “Land of Lincoln” on them, I urge you to oblige for this short stretch of freeway. Wisconsin cops in general scout out Illinois drivers like women find shoe stores. I’m not quite sure the method behind the madness, but it has proven to be very effective. This stretch in particular is where I was caught earlier this year, and the fine they slapped on me, was enough to fund the entire reconstruction phase of the Marquette Interchange you will soon be approaching.

5) The Marquette Interchange, Milwaukee, WI: From atop this concrete castle (currently adorned with enough cranes to relocate the Golden Gate Bridge) you can see some of the best views of Milwaukee, birthplace of one of the greatest romances of all time. I-94 will take you straight through the heart of Marquette University, where we met and fell in love. But just as quickly as you will be leaving downtown Milwaukee, such is the speed at which the winds of fate drifted us apart. (Dwyane’s in Miami now, but we do hope to meet again soon.)

6) Copp’s Frozen Custard, Milwaukee, WI: Congratulations! You’ve passed the halfway point. Stop to reward yourself (or to silence the screaming kids in the back) by exiting at Silver Springs Road and heading south a few blocks for the world’s best frozen custard. With a new featured flavor every day of the month, you can’t go wrong. If it’s lunch time, their burgers are excellent, and I also recommend the pineapple shakes.

7) Cedarburg, WI: One time home of Kristen from Summer 2003-2004, Cedarburg is small town Wisconsin, right in the backyard of metropolitan Milwaukee. If it’s too cold for frozen custard, exit at Hwy C, and stop by the Airstream Trailer parked just west of the expressway for the best cup of hot chocolate you’ll ever taste. If you’ve got a little extra time, shoot further down Hwy C for a few miles and turn right on Washington. This road will take you into downtown Cedarburg and right by the Chocolate Factory, home of the biggest taffy apples you have ever seen. Way too big to tackle yourself, so split with a friend. Topped with everything under the sun. I recommend the Reese’s Pieces.

(Is it noticeable that I’m writing this over lunch?)

8) Are the Cows lying down? While there’s not much to look at between Cedarburg and Sheboygan, take a good look at the cows. Dina Byrns, mother-in-law to be, once told me that if the cows are lying down, it’s going to rain. (For your sake and mine, I pray that the cows are standing the weekend of the wedding. In fact, if they are not, I beg of you to pull over the car, get out and pull them up.)

9) Sheboygan-Kohler: Welcome to party central. The American Club is a quick mile west of the interstate, and virtually impossible to miss. In fact, along with the Great Wall of China, there is an American Flag flying over Kohler that can actually be seen from outer space. Rumor has it, the pole employed to fly Old Glory, was once used as a bridge connecting Hawaii to the mainland.

In a way, it’s almost as if the giant flag was placed there for this very occasion. Driving by it, year after year, I always felt it was an unnecessary exaggeration of patriotism. For whom did the flag wave out there in the middle of nowhere? The cows?

Perhaps it was a sign of things to come. Or should I say, people to come. People from great distances, coming to share in the journey that united two individuals, two worlds apart.

Enjoy the journey, safe travels, and no matter where the road of life takes you, may the cows always be standing along the way.