A Card for Every Occassion
6/5/06

It happened as soon as I got home from work. I checked my mail and there they were, sitting innocently in my mailbox, in between the Giordano's Pizza coupons and an envelope informing me that there was a significant possibility that I was paying too much for my internet service. Given the fact that I mooch free wireless internet on my backporch from some guy named "JimGuy2118", I found humor in the highly innaccurate accusation.

After the laugh, I saw them. Envelopes addressed to two individuals. Myself and Kristen. That's a little wild the first time you see that, I must admit. I mean, I know I've been engaged for well over a week now, but so far it's only been by word of mouth. Now, according to the United States Postal Service, I was engaged. Doesn't get much more official than that.

--I guess I've always been intimidated by the post office. I think it's the uniforms. Why is a man, who makes deliveries for a living, required to dress like a member of the Knights of the Round Table? I mean, are the patches and special boots and hat really necessary?--

Long story even longer, it turns out I was getting engagement cards from friends and relatives who had heard the big news. It's really remarkable how fast word about an engagement flies. I'm actually quite surprised scientitsts don't use it to measure the speed of nuclear reactions. Think about it... "the plutonium reacted with the sulfur dioxide in the flux capacitor in approximately 7.2 engagement seconds." (One engagement second would be the equivilent to 1/100 of a nanosecond, or roughly the time it takes for one's entire extended family to learn about an engagement) The chapter would logically fall right in between the lessons on light years, and carbon dating.

It's really just a shame that other, more useful information, could not experience such a rapid filtration effect. Like, for example, I've told almost every girl I know that they look silly in capri pants. Yet, apparently there are still girls out there who haven't heard that, and thus still walk out of the house looking silly. Perhaps if i reworded the phrase to include the word "engaged" I'd have better luck.

But, capri or not capri, the fact of the matter is getting engaged has a tendancy to bring on a lot of firsts. In my case, very few of them tend to be wedding-related. For example, last week marked my first trip to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. (and thanks to the fine people at Northwest Airlines, such a trip also afforded me my first visit to the Detroit Airport, which it turns out, afterall, is clearly on the way to South Carolina from Chicago.)

Myrtle Beach reminded me of the long-lost twin brother of the Wisconsin Dells, and second cousin, twice removed from Dollywood. If you've never been lucky enough to visit any of these family vacation mecca's, I strongly recommend throwing caution to the wind and joining in the fun. Or stay home and rent "Ernest Goes to Jail." It's pretty much the same experience.

Yes, first experiences have come in plently since the engagement; the first time I ever asked a girl to marry me. (that is, unless you count my numerous proposals to Winnie Cooper on TV's "The Wonder Years.") But unlike Winnie, Kristen heard me when I asked, and more importantly she said yes. So I guess from this day forward, it will always be "Kristen & Jared" written on the envelopes in my mailbox. While that might be hard to swallow at first, at least I know that I can rest easy tonight, knowing that"Kristen & Jared" are definitely not paying too much for their internet service.