The One Everyone’s Been Waiting For
7/16/2007
Previously on “Fockers07.blogspot.com…”
Jared proposed. Kristen said yes. A flight was delayed. A flight was cancelled. The Cubs won. Paris Hilton went to Jail. A flight was delayed. A flight was cancelled. The Cubs won. Paris Hilton was released from jail. Jared & Kristen picked out wedding rings. Paris Hilton went back to jail. A flight was delayed. The Cubs won…
Today, the world looks much different. As of June 13, 2007, I packed up my life in Illinois for a chance to live an airport-free existence in the Minnesota. Despite the numerous friends (and a few foes) I had made over the years at various gates at various airports throughout this great nation, I decided to finally pick a “final destination” as most flight attendants so morbidly refer to one’s hometown.
Against the favored odds in Vegas at the time, I picked Minneapolis-St. Paul. A very fitting selection for those unwilling to geographically commit to anything, much like myself.
(Sidebar#706195: Depending on such elements as the weather, the audience, and the value of the Yen, I will answer either “Minneapolis” or “Saint Paul” to any inquiries of my city of residence. This is just one of the unique factors that make this corner of the world, so different from Mainstream, USA. Other factors include its infatuation with Walleye, and its ability to transform the word “boat” into a two-syllable word.)
Changing states of residency and beginning new employment four months before your own wedding date is not for the faint of heart. I’d like to say that I thrive on challenges such as these, however, the most multi-tasking I have historically been known to partake in, is employing the picture-in-picture functionality on my television so that I can watch both the Cub game and “The Family Guy” at the same time.
Luckily, in Kristen, I am marrying the most detail-orientated person this side of Minnehaha Creek.
(Sidebar#7162007: That was my attempt at a little Minnesota humor. Get it? Mini-haha? FYI, that Creek actually exists.)
Thankfully, the wedding planning has come too far along for Kristen to call it off now on account of my complete lack of sense of humor. We most recently attended our food tasting at the American Club. In this experience, the Fockers, the Byrnseses, Kristen and I gathered in a quaint dining room in Sheboygan, WI to eat approximately everything north of the Illinois border.
More accurately, the wedding tasting brings together the key wedding personnel (which I have been informed includes myself) and offers them a taste of what guests might be dining on come the big day; and, if those police department interrogation rooms you see on “Law & Order” had linen table clothes and sterling silver candelabras, you’d pretty much have captured the exact environment in which we ate.
Two women, no doubt from the American Club Precinct of Sheboygan’s Finest, observed us while we ate. There was Evelyn, who played the role of “good cop”, and Eva, who played the less favorable, “bad cop.”
Evelyn, with her bright smile and cheerful demeanor joined us at the table, while Eva stood 15 feet behind us, observing us like a World War II German Sniper, eyeing it’s prey. Evelyn introduced each new dish, as if we were at a miniature version of the Olympic Games Opening Ceremonies. Meanwhile, Eva stood idly by, waiting for the precise moment to strike.
Frank Focker (my father) was on to Eva’s plot. Unlike the rest of us, he quickly and silently finished each dish as if he was challenging Takeru Kobayashi for the International Federation of Competitive Eating Title. Frank could only watch on in horror as the rest of us had the audacity to critique each morsel, as if Eva’s 6’6”, 250lb presence in the room didn’t make our teeth shatter with fright.
After 16 appetizers, 12 salads, 8 soups, and 4 main courses, Eva quipped behind her black hairnet and freshly bleached mustache, “BRING OUT THE CAKE!”
Before you could say “emergency angioplasty,” three different versions of seven-layer cake were brought out before us. The Robert Langdon in me couldn’t help but notice the symbolism that was practically jumping right off of the chocolate drizzled plates before us. THREE (a perfect number) different varieties of SEVEN (number of deadly sins, one of which is gluttony) layer cake. In the background I could hear Eva chortling with devilish delight. It was the perfect crime, and we were too hyped up on sugar and potato-leak soup to recognize it.
Despite Eva’s best efforts and me no longer being able to fit into my tux, we narrowly escaped doom at the American Club that night, although a few words of advice for all guests attending: Pace yourself through each course, drink plenty of water, and avoid direct eye contact with Eva. It is rumored that she can smell fear.
Speaking of sleeping with the fish, on June 17th, I legally changed my name to “Don Corleone.” It was just another required step for the witness protection program that sent me to Minnesota in the first place.
(Sidebar#525600: What can I say, the feds made me an offer I couldn’t refuse and I ratted on Eva (who, FYI, turns out also goes by the alias “the black widow.”)
O.K. so that last sidebar was completely fictional. I didn’t change my name, however on June 17th, like the Don, I did become a Godfather. Appropriately enough on Father’s Day, Kristen’s sister had a baby boy. Inappropriately enough, she picked me for the job. I am now personally responsible for the spiritual well-being of little “Johnny Fontane.”
Just this past weekend I joined the entire Byrnes clan for little Johnny’s baptism in Portage, WI, where they celebrate baptisms like every other Christian family in America; this includes holy water, baptismal vows, and grown men riding big wheels.
(Sidebar#612973: While it is perhaps the lesser known of the three, the tradition of big wheel races on the day of a baptism actually dates back to the Daughters of the American Revolution. It is written that in days of yore, the people of the Commonwealth of Virginia would gather by the river to welcome newborns into the faith. Since this was centuries before the first minivans and crossover SUVs, the townspeople would come to the river (which was always conveniently located downhill) via big wheels. Of course the big wheels we use today are much more advanced than those of yesteryear. Today we are lucky enough to boast rear-steering and hand-brake capability; luxuries our ancestors could only dream of.)
While we’re on the subject of transportation… my travels today do not involve as many trips through airport security as they once did, but it turns out the open road has just as many (if not more) surprises in store for the traveling man like myself. Much like the Byrneses have their annual Baptismal Big Wheel Festival in Portage, us Fockers have a tradition or two of our own that justifies driving in from great distances for. For us, it’s the Fourth of July.
The Focker’s Fourth of July is like Christmas, Kwanza and Yom Kippur rolled into one. Being that our fore fathers began this tradition back in 1776, I guess you could say, we’re just about neck & neck with the Virginia Big Wheelers. Every year we get together to celebrate with fireworks, water balloons, and a greater variety of pasta salads than even the American Club could offer.
While some folks might find it crazy to drive the 6 hours from Minneapolis to Chicago for something as silly as pasta salad, I say that it is those same people who are still searching for joy in their lives. But on the other side of the spectrum, Kristen & I, blind with the giddiness of a six-year-old’s first visit to Wrigley, packed up the car and embarked for the journey southeast.
About one hour into our drive, somewhere around Hudson, WI the skies opened up and raindrops the size of Schnoodles doused our car as we careened down I-94. But having been through worse storms, we stayed the course and by Eau Claire, WI we seemed to be out of the woods. Little did we know that the perfect storm was taking a similar route through the tri-state area. Just north of Madison, WI we caught up with the storm again, only this time, the Saab 9.3 wouldn’t stand a chance against Mother Nature. We wisely pulled off the road and opted to take the opportunity to replenish our fading energy supply with a nourishing meal from whatever the small town of Windsor, WI had to offer.
Unanimously deciding that the “A&W” was the healthier alternative to “crap from the gas station mini-mart” we scarfed down a dinner of chicken strips and root beer while we waited for the rain to stop.
Twenty minutes later we were back on the road and back in the middle of what the local news stations would later refer to as “HOLY SH&T THAT’S A LOT OF RAIN ’07.” Eight hours after we had left Saint Paul, MN we exited what had now become the I-94 River in Edgerton, WI. (town motto: T.G.I.R! (Thank God It’s Raining!))
The Edgerton Comfort Inn was packed that night.
(Sidebar#254000: This remains to date the only time that sentence has ever been written.)
By the next morning we hit the road and made it to Chicago. Where rumor has it, it never rained.
Speaking of Chicago, I would like to thank my good friends Murphy, Francis, Oscar, Mario & Pat for throwing me a spectacular bachelor party weekend in Wrigleyville. So what if it was one of only four losses the Cubs have had in their last 19 games. That doesn’t mean anything.
(Sidebar#190807: Confidential to Johnny Fontane… if the Cubs win the World Series this fall, you’ll remember as much of it as I will!)
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